Don’t Say “No” to Them

The title may feel a bit provocative and sweeping. My intention here is to offer a conceptual and practical alternative to the word “no”, so commonly used by parents and caregivers, and so often elevated to the status of necessity and ideal.

I am saying:

Don’t say “no” to your children. I even suggest removing this word from the parental vocabulary.

Again, if you have read my previous writings, my position regarding the place of the child and the parent in the family system is likely clear: the parent is the navigator, the guide, and the one responsible for the family unit. One must hold infinite respect for the child’s desires and needs, as a human being equal in value to their parents, yet with far less ability to influence their own life circumstances.

At the same time, the rules and boundaries the parent feels apply to them must of course be translated into the shared fabric of the family—including the children. These rules differ from family to family, but it is clear that harm to oneself, to others, or to property is not acceptable.

And yet—saying “no” is, in my view, harmful, ineffective, poor, and not truly educational. There are far better ways.

Let’s look at examples:

“Aviv, no, no, no! I said no! No! Aviv, no! No!!”

(And it hardly matters what the situation is.)

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Saying “no” is not effective—especially after you have already said it two or three times. The word begins to lose its meaning, its weight, its impact, and your influence on your child. It becomes diluted, ineffective for that situation, and over time this also weakens its effect in general.

If you notice that you are saying “no” more than two or three times in the same situation—this is a sign that something is not working.

Of course, if you say it once, respectfully, and it works—then “no” is not necessarily a problem.

But as a rule, “no” is a poor tool. It does not enrich, and it does not foster knowledge, curiosity, or mastery of the child’s world. It does not create communication—it blocks it.

“No” does not transmit values or ideas from the parent; it does not extend the parent’s inner world.

What do I mean?

A 2.5-year-old takes a very sharp knife. The “logical” reaction: “No, no!” and an immediate taking of the knife.

I suggest instead: “A knife is dangerous.” And one can add: “Do you want to cut something? Here, take a more suitable knife,” and offer a spreading knife for soft vegetables, for example.

If you say “a knife is dangerous” a hundred times, that is what the child will remember—that knives are dangerous.

If you say “no” a hundred times, they will remember the “no”: the negation, the prohibition, the taking-away, the lack of trust.

Say instead: “A knife is dangerous,” and they will understand, gradually, that safety matters—and that they matter to you.

Save “no” for truly extreme cases, where it is appropriate.

A child approaches a neon lamp left on the side. “No, no, don’t touch that, no! Don’t touch!”

And what happens? The child, fascinated by something they have never seen before, will simply stop? Really?

This kind of “no” assigns responsibility to the child far too early, long before they are developmentally able to carry it.

Not only do they receive a kind of judgment without a fair hearing—without understanding the evidence or being given a chance to respond respectfully—but they are also held responsible for carrying out the verdict.

This is both harsh and, most often, beyond the child’s capacity.

So what happens? The child tries—and fails—and is then met with anger. Or they try and succeed, but at a heavy internal cost.

Instead, I suggest: “This is a neon lamp. It is very fragile and dangerous.” Then remove it to a safe place, and continue with what you were doing: “Would you like to continue building with Lego?” (ideally while physically moving away from the danger).

A child hits another child during play.

Say “no” once, in one form or another. Then, if the aggression continues, act. Stand physically between the child who hits and the one who is hit. Be there—present and firm. Do not allow even one more strike.

This kind of action is more powerful and clear than any word, and it also gives real meaning to the “no” that preceded it.

If you keep repeating “no” while the hitting continues, you are failing in your role as the one responsible for safety and guidance.

So choose action. Clear, strong, decisive, and alive action—in the direction you believe in.

What does the child actually learn from the word “no”? Think about it.

And beyond that, saying “no” is not pleasant. And if it is not pleasant for the parent with the child, and for the child with the parent…

—then it is not ideal.

But if most of the day is spent on “no,” then the delicate fabric of love, giving, need, and safety is not formed—the very foundation of emotional (and cognitive) development and balanced being.

Notice that all the examples I gave so far relate to safety—harm to the child, others, or property.

These are truly the only cases where “no” might sometimes be appropriate.

In all other cases, I suggest adopting the approach of: first of all, yes.

(After all, you don’t really believe in “no.” You believe in “yes”—in joy, in action, in love, in goodness. Pass that on to your children as well.)

A child sees me in the kitchen breaking eggs and wants to do the same. Inside I think: oh noooo…

I don’t want the mess, the delay, the disruption. I don’t want it.

But then what?

Think about the request to hold an egg from the child’s perspective: it is a kind of magic ball—hard outside, soft and different inside. And the transformation when it is broken—what wonder!

Once you see it that way, it is almost impossible to refuse.

So you find solutions: break it in the sink, or into a separate bowl (and make time for a shared experience of discovery), or go outside, or suggest making a hard-boiled egg they can peel.

There is no substitute for what they will learn from it, for the joy they will experience, and for the emotional richness they will gain.

First of all—yes. And then we find a solution that also works for us.

A child asks: “Mom, will you read me the book we started this morning?”

My internal voice: impossible! I have a million things to do…

So I say: (first yes, remember?)

“Let’s think how we can make that happen…”

And then I explain the constraints (which also helps me organize them).

If the dialogue is respectful and honest, the child will often bring their own solutions—usually full of goodwill and compromise—solutions even the adult might not have thought of.

Give them the chance to be skilled at finding solutions and to be part of them.

You just came home, exhausted and overwhelmed, and the child jumps on your back inviting you to rough play…

Take a deep breath, and instead of saying “no,” say:

“I’d love to play with you after I rest for 10 minutes and drink my coffee in peace.”

And the truth is—you really will want to play then, won’t you?

And even when you do choose “no,” you can—and should—express it in positive language.

That is: don’t say what is not—say what is.

For example:

“Don’t slam the door” → “Close the door gently.”

“Don’t throw food on the floor” → “Let’s keep the kitchen clean.”

It also works well to describe the situation and trust the child to choose appropriately:

“Don’t stand in the way” → “We’re trying to talk.”

“Don’t cut this” → “This is important paper to me.”

This may sound like mere wording sensitivity. It is not.

These shifts are significant, even critical. Try it.

And one last thing…

Sometimes there really is no choice and we must say no. And sometimes we are simply too tired to search for alternatives. That is human.

But if we train ourselves to believe there is no alternative, then when we are tired—we will not even look.

And yet there is always a respectful way. Our parental responsibility is to look for it and find it.

Sometimes we will fail to do so—it is not the end of the world. It does not mean we should stop trying. There is always a respectful path.

“No” is not respectful.

Think how you would feel if you received the amount of “no’s” your child receives every day.

And after all that, my partner would say: “ ‘No’ is not a bad word 🙂 ”

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See you,

Lilach

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